Sometimes I wish I could wrap my hands around some sort of life line and keep time still for just a bit. Just hold on tight to these moments of so much perfection.
Ella I could hold you forever. The roundness of your head, the uniqueness of your laughter and your big brown eyes are my devotion. It is hard to describe how much love can fit in my heart. I feel full, yet everyday it gets tighter. Your tiny hands and the way you grip mine, your struggles with tummy time and how you sooth yourself into a deep sleep that lasts for hours at night. The way you put everything into your mouth and look at me reminding me that this world is worth my every effort to keep making better.
Mila your sassy looks, your smile, your words and the way you say Mami make my life. The way you understand things and explain them back, your eagerness to learn and your soft skin make me melt with love. Your eyes are ocean green, so deep yet so shallow. You remind me that nothing matters more than the present and to live each moment having fun, laughing and exploring. I will forever remember your sweet kisses and your tiny warm hugs that make my life fall into place whenever in doubt.
I could have never asked for more perfect beings to enter my life. I am forever in debt to your father and the world for giving me you two. I promise you to give you my best shot at being your mom. Likely I won’t always succeed, but know that it is coming from a heart that is yours.
Jax you are making robots! You are crazy and inspiring. When I met you, you were all like “I’m into robots that’s what I’ll do in my life whenever I have more time”. I was all like “suuuureeee”. And now here you are once again teaching me that dreams can just be actions, they might take time, nonetheless they are just part of a to-do list waiting to come to life. Thank you for following your passions and keeping busy in that crazy brain of yours. It inspires me and against all odds my heart grows a bit more.
Thank you for being in my life.
As for me, I am a little bit sad. I haven’t been back to my country in over two years, I haven’t seen most of my family and friends in that time. I often find myself at work listening to Latin hits thinking of my days as a teenager, when dancing a mad merengue with the guy I liked was the highlight of my month! I smile quietly, wondering when will I dance with such passion again? I miss my culture, I miss my language and I miss the mountains. Ella hasn’t met my dad yet, nor my stepmom, nor brothers, nor grandma, nor best friends. Mila has never experienced the sensation of hopelessness that rushes into ones heart when seeing a child begging, an experience that is weaved in my core. She does not know where I come from and how indeed I am not a crazy Spanish speaking Mami, but that indeed there are more like me. My girls are so mine and so not at the same time. I hold back the tears knowing that this is just a stage… trying to own my decisions – but it’s hard.